Sports and Fitness

Shocking Thoughts I Had About My Body

– Hey guys, Cassey here and we are back in my living room and I’m wearing a Choker. I haven’t worn choker
since like third grade, but I thought you know, bring back the 90s a little bit. I wanted to do a follow up video to my last you know, “I will never diet again” video ’cause that was kind of like Pow!!! Here’s a lot of deep emotional stuff. And I just feel like there’s so much more that needs to be talked about ’cause maybe some of you girls out there might be going through the same thing. First of all, I have to say thank you so much for all of your support and love. Honestly, before I put out that video, I said a little prayer to myself. I was like, “I hope this one is going “To be received well.” Because it coulda gone either way. You guys could have hated me for exposing the truth, or I guess the other thing that happen is you fully embraced me with your love for the mistakes that I’ve made as a human being and you know what? Thank you because that is what makes the Blogilates communities so special. We’re a family. When we fall down, we pick make each other up. And when we’re doing super well and rising, then we’re rooting each other on. I didn’t realize how many of you were kind of going through the same thing. I feel like a lot of times eating disorders are super harsh harsh. And we’re very ashamed about it. I mean, which is true, I kept it in for four years. But we never really tell anyone. As soon as I uncapped that bottle, everyone starts sharing their stories and I have so much compassion for you and what you’re going through and just know that all you need to do is shift your focus and stop focusing on the skinny, start focusing on the strong. ‘Cause that shift will change everything and that’s what changed it for me. I no longer focused on the vanity and getting flatter abs and skinnier arms and whatever. I just focused on having fun when I was working out and actually improving my skill, improving my speed, improving the amount of weight I could lift, and you know what? everything else fell into place. Plus, when I look in the mirror, I don’t hate what I’m looking at. I want to spend today talking about what happened after my Bikini competition. A big part of the last four years for me, was how I got myself out of that. So this video may be very good for those of you who are going through an EDI, and are trying to figure out how to heal yourself. To reach a place of balance, you need to find what truly makes you happy. And for me, focusing on the vanity and the physical, was not doing it for me. In fact, it stressed me out I hated going to the gym. I just felt like it was work and torture. And I wasn’t even sure why I was doing what I was doing. When I was at my skinniest 16 pounds lighter than what I am right now. I looked at my abs and I was like, “Ah, I’m still so fat.” I was never, ever happy. You know, how I always tell you guys, please enjoy the fitness journey. I say that because if you keep focusing on that end goal and you get there, and you didn’t care about everything else you did along the way, you didn’t stop to smell the roses, you didn’t interact with people and really enjoy the process, who’s to say that you’re actually going to be happy when you get there. And when I got there, I still felt like I wasn’t anywhere. I could still circle all the flaws on my body and be like, “There’s so many things “Wrong with me.” You know what? That is a disorder in the head. That is a body image disorder. And to further expand on how messed up I was. This is really scary because literally only like, four people know about this. After the competition, I wanted to get breast implants. I know. I know. I wanted them for all the wrong reasons, okay? I didn’t win the competition. The girls who did win had bigger boobs, and they just seem like they had more Barbie-like figure and I thought that is what pretty was, pretty makes you win. And so I actually went as far as getting a pamphlet from a doctor’s office and looking at the type of procedures and the types of the bigness or whatever you call it. And I was so messed up in my head that I was actually going to do it. I told like my mom and my sister and like, another friend, and they all literally thought I was going crazy. They were like, “Cassey, are you “For real right now? “There’s nothing wrong with you. “Why would you insert a knife “Into your body “And change what you have?” Like, “This is not “What blogilates is about.” Like, “Are you okay?” And I kept saying, “Well, it’s my body. “I can do whatever “I want with it.” Which is true, but if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons, it’s something you are really going to regret. Now luckily, I did not go through with the procedure clearly and I love my body now more than ever, because it’s not validation that I’m seeking from judges or validation that I’m seeking from other people that I should look a certain way because I validate myself based on how confident I’m feeling. And you know what? My body can actually do not just it how looks, yeah, so that was the whole boob phase. And then there was the process of gaining weight. Okay, obviously, when you work really hard to get your weight down, and you all of a sudden start getting everything back. It really sucks. It honestly does. You just feel like you’ve let go and you’re such a failure. As I was gaining weight. I started wearing heavier eye makeup. I actually looked this up on Google. And apparently, it seems to be a thing. Women who start to gain weight or get bigger start to wear more makeup to cover up themselves because they don’t feel beautiful. The other thing I noticed that my hair was mostly always down because I wanted to cover my face ’cause I thought it was getting like bigger and chubbier. I know it sounds crazy that I did that. But this all kind of makes sense because on my magazine cover for Health magazine, my hair was up in a bun completely exposing my face. And that was one of the first times I’ve ever posed with my hair up in a professional photo. After that came out, I started wearing my hair in a bun all the time. That to me, really signifies that I found comfort in my own beauty. And that I’m able to show off everything about my face, my body, because I love it and I don’t have to hide anything. And another thing that was really weird that I didn’t realize until an hour before I started filming this vlog is that I guess I was always seeking validation from people for you know, my looks and if I was pretty enough and as childish and stupid as that sounds. Looking back my dating life kind of represented that. I felt like I always needed a guy to tell me that I was pretty and it was not good because it seemed to attract the wrong attention from different guys. It was just an unhealthy period of my life, because I wasn’t doing what was making me happy. I was living and working out and eating and just acting a certain way because I wanted to make other people happy, ’cause I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Now, I can step back and look into the past and actually examine what happened. And it’s quite fascinating. But it’s also really sad, because poor Cassey four years ago, was going through a lot and she didn’t have a sense of herself. And I’m just so glad guys, so glad, to be where I am right now because I can look in the mirror and be 16 pounds heavier than I was, but love what I see. But for those of you who are still stuck in this place where you’re trying to dig yourself out and you don’t know where maybe you are like the Cassey of three or four years ago, let me tell you something. You need to stop what is making you unhappy. Hold everything and tell yourself, what were you put on this earth to do? Were you put on this earth to have a six pack? Were you put on this earth to restrict all of your calories? Were you put on this earth to have some guy tell you, that you’re really pretty? No. Let me tell you right now, no. You were put on this earth to add something of value to our world. You need to step back, find your balance, get grounded, and figure out what your passion is. Once you find your passion. You will be unstoppable. All I want you to know is that you are beautiful. You are beautiful and smart and talented just as you are, no matter how your body looks, okay? Your body is just a physical shell. Treat your body with respect and give it what it needs. It needs love. It needs care, it needs nutrients, it needs to be stretched, it needs to be challenged. Keep it all that and the body that you want, will sculpt itself. Though my original intention for getting to the Bikini competition was to prove to myself that I could get to a certain level of fitness. And I did. I was mentally disrupted throughout the whole process and got sucked into that world of vanity. You know what? I’m just so glad I am not in that place anywhere, I don’t care what anyone thinks about me. Because what they think about me doesn’t pay the bills. What they think about me doesn’t make me happier, what they think about me doesn’t take care of my family. So screw them. I don’t really care. You know what, guys, the conversation does not end right here after this vlog is over. I want you to keep talking about this. Because, there are so many women and girls out there that we need to save. On February 1st, we are all going to either tweet or Instagram at least one girl or one woman who is inspiring to us using the hashtag, Power Girl Crush and I wanna get that hashtag trending if possible. If you have one or two or 20 women that you want to say thank you to or why they inspire you to be a better person then do it. Because so many times we think these things in our head, but you don’t know how much of a difference it can make in someone’s life, just by telling them and then if you’re up for it, 14 days of powerful poses. So if you can have someone snap a picture of you, and also use the hashtag that’s underneath each picture, and just kind of talk about what that means to you. These next 14 days in February are going to be about finding who you are, what makes you special, why you’re powerful, and what purpose you have on this world. So, it’s not just a physical challenge. It’s more about that self love. Alright guys, that is all for me today. And I love you so much seriously, I do, and lots of cool workout videos coming right at you. Some more pit. Alright, love you guys, bye (upbeat music)
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