Doctor Reacts To FUNNIEST Onion Medical Headlines #1

– “Nutritionists Reveal
Humans With Proper Diet “Should Not Be Defecating.” (laughs)
What? I know we’re facing scary times right now but I thought it’s time for us to let it loose for a little bit and have a little fun. And instead of reacting
to our usual memes, I decided to react to some of the headlines and
articles from The Onion. For those of you who don’t know, The Onion is a satirical newspaper, none of their headlines
or articles are true. So I hope to get a good laugh, don’t get offended, it’s comedy, we’re here to have a good time. You ready?
Beep! “Excited Patient Points Out Organ He Wants “From Kidney Tank In Hospital Lobby.” I don’t need to read the article (laughs) look at the little kidney floating. “Badass Surgeon Puts On “Fingerless Latex Gloves
Before Operating.” The dirtiest, meaning the most infectious full of bacteria and viruses part of your hand are the fingertips. “Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New
Freeze-Away Toe Remover.” Oh, I have this thing. I’ve actually used it
’cause I had a, wait. It got me. Chicago foot-care brand
Dr. Scholl’s unveiled its Freeze-Away Toe Remover Thursday, an over-the-counter treatment
that combines freeze therapy with fast-acting liquid to loosen and ultimately expel unsightly toes. Not gonna lie, my toes are looking rather
rough during this pandemic. The struggle is real. I’m self-pedicuring. I’m not good at it. The real product that The Onion is doing a witty satire of is actually a freeze away treatment for plantar warts. If this specific treatment thingy doesn’t work for you at home, we have one where we do this
cryotherapy in our offices. I wonder if anyone like clicked on this and they’re like ooh, that
toe was getting in the way. “Health Insurance CEO Reveals
Key To Company’s Success “Is Not Paying For
Customers’ Medical Care.” Just the other day I had a patient, I prescribed them a medicine
for a common antibiotic, send it into the pharmacy, pharmacy says insurance not paying for it. I’m like what, it’s like one
of the most common antibiotics. Get on the phone, spend half an hour arguing
with the insurance company and what did they tell me? Oh it’s ’cause you ordered
capsule version not the tablets. If you’d just order the tablets
it would have been fine. You owe me half hour of my life back. “Tips For Finding The Right Doctor.” (laughs) Just by the photo, I’m
already excited for this tip. Ask yourself what your personal goals are when you see a doctor. Do you want to live, or die? Do you want to prevent
illnesses, or contract them? The goal is to live
and the goal is to have the least amount of illness possible. Doctors can provide better
care when they treat your whole family, so try to get the same primary care physician for your spouse, children, and pets. (laughs) I was gonna
say this is a good one and then they threw in pets. A skilled physician
should be able to detect any potential health problems, so never tip them off by
revealing any of your symptoms. No! We need your help. The history is probably the
most important part of the exam with the physical being
the second most important. I guess it depends on the
illness I’m trying to diagnose. Ask them straight up if they’ve ever killed
a patient on purpose. Hey Doc, you ever did that to a patient? Tell your doctor your fidney hurts. A good one will know that
that’s not real organ. (laughs) A good one will know what you mean. No, no, no, a good one will know to ask what you meant without
sounding judgmental. Other patients can be your best allies when it comes to finding the right doctor. Agreed. Ask friends and coworkers
if you can sit in on their physical to get a feel for what their doctor’s like. HIPAA.
(siren buzzing) HIPAA. Make sure they have kind eyes that crinkle at the
corners when they smile. Aw, does your doctor have crow’s feet? That means they care. Many health care professionals
are increasingly rigid when it comes to prescribing medications. Remind your doctor that with a
couple of bad online reviews, you can bring it all crumbling down. Man this is so true. People that run their own businesses, they’re between a rock and a hard place. If a patient comes in
requesting a specific treatment or a specific test and
the doctor doesn’t think it’s in the patient’s best interest but the patient threatens
them with a bad review, what are you left to do? And you know what the worst part is? Let’s say the patient leaves
a fraudulent negative review, says the doctor did so and so and the doctor knows it’s untrue, they can’t go on and say
that because of HIPPA. (alarm buzzes) Patient privacy. Above all, don’t put to
much pressure on yourself, you’ll meet the right
doctor when you’re ready. (laughs) It sounds like a dating line. No, in all seriousness
it’s really important to find the right doctor
because if you have a healthy doctor-patient relationship, you’re more likely to have
better health outcomes. And if the first one isn’t right, always look for a second opinion. “I’m In Witness
Protection- I Mean, Doctor, “I Work At Doctor,’ Says New Neighbor.” What? “I’m In Witness
Protection- I Mean, Doctor, “I Work At Doctor,’ Says New Neighbor.” Anybody? – [Narrator] 12 seconds later. – [Crewman] So he’s covering up– – Oh, got it, okay. – [Crewman] That was just (mumbles). – I need to do better. “Grandfathers Accidentally
Switched at Hospital”. (laughs) In yet another disturbing
case of hospital negligence, two elderly grandfathers
were accidentally switched at the Cedar-Mount Sinai
Medical Center in Los Angeles and sent home with the wrong families. I think this is poking
fun at the fact that back in the day people may have
taken the wrong babies home. But nowadays, we have a
lot of security around taking the right baby home. Moms and dads get security
bracelets that if the baby’s approaching one of the exit doors they won’t open unless
the father or mother have also their security bracelets on. So no one’s taking the wrong baby home, nor are they stealing one. But the elderly, that’s funny. “Russell Westbrook Quietly
Asks Rockets Team Doctor “If He Needs To Make Free
Throw To Pass Physical.” Why? Is he so bad at free throws? He’s like 70%. – [Crewman] 62. – That’s pretty bad. “Nutritionists Reveal
Humans With Proper Diet “Should Not Be Defecating.” (laughs)
What? Pooping is great. Urinating, great. Are there unhealthy poops? Yes. Are there unhealthy urines, urinations? Yes, but that’s a
question for your doctor. You know what I’m worried about? An article like this gaining traction on like an Alex Jones podcast and then people being like oh man, and here I have been for 45 years pooping my whole life. What have I been eating? “Doctor Asks Patient If He Would Mind “Having Medical Student, “Some Of His Poker
Buddies In Room For Exam.” (laughs) If you’ve never had this happen to you, before I bring in a medical student or a resident with me when I see a patient I always ask for permission,
it’s the right thing to do, it’s the polite thing to do and actually I think
there’s rules for it now. How funny would it be
if your doctor walks in and is like can I have a medical student? And you’re like sure. And you’re like, what
about some poker buddies? And the people that they put
in, the guy with the glasses. So I used to play poker
semi-professionally back in the day when there
was Full Tilt, Ultimate Bet, Absolute Poker, Poker
Stars, all those good times. I don’t understand why people,
when they play live poker, they wear dark, reflective glasses. It’s like they want
you to see their cards. “U.S. Dentists Can’t Make
Nation’s Teeth Any Damn Whiter.” You know there’s like something
that happens internationally where they actually make fun of Americans for having too white teeth. They actually make it a joke to say oh you Americans with your white teeth. I do think that we do go overboard when people do veneers and stuff, they bleach their teeth
white like porcelain. But sometimes it’s too white, like it looks artificial. I will say that if you
over bleach your teeth, it will make your teeth
sensitive and it will hurt so please be careful. This has happened to my friends, it’s happened to myself
when I was younger, made the mistake, not happening again. “Exhausted Doctor To Wake Up Early, “Finish Surgery in Morning.” Just moments after successfully stopping his patient’s heart at 10:30 p.m. Tuesday, bleary-eyed surgeon Dr. Dennis Kelly called it a night and
decided to finish performing quadruple by pass surgery on Harold Cruz, 67, in the morning. “Honestly, all these organs are looking the same to
me right now,” said Kelly. This is actually a legit struggle. Some surgeries go on for hours. Pretty much the entire day. That is why we have teams of surgeons and surgical residents that
help out in specific operations. In addition to that, we always have a backup surgeon on call in case the surgeon starts
feeling unwell, gets sleepy. “ER Doctor Excitedly
Tells Wife He Got To Use “Shock Paddle Thing Today.” (laughs) I love the picture of the doctor. “I’ve been wanting to
play with those thingies “since my first day, and I finally got to! “I put them on the guy’s
chest, yelled ‘Clear!’ “and they went bzzz just
like they do on TV!” It’s called a defibrillator. We have to start the segment this way. Chest compressions, chest
compressions, chest compressions. You don’t run for the
defibrillator until you start doing chest compressions first, after of course you call for help. But you can call for help while you’re doing chest compressions. The reason we do chest compressions is ’cause you need to buy
time for the defibrillator to get there, to turn it on,
to make sure it’s working, all that good stuff. “Health Scare Prompts Man To
Start Overeating Healthier.” (laughs) I love that as it sounds. That’s a giant plate of food. It looks healthy, but there’s a lot of it. This has been a real wake-up call for me, so from now on, I’m sticking
to eating only nutritious, low-fat foods well past
the point of being full. It’s not how it works. If you enjoyed this video, I know you’re gonna enjoy my
medical meme review series, click here for that playlist. Or if you wanna see me
argue with Dr. House, M.D., click here for that one. Which one are you gonna click while you stay happy and healthy? (upbeat music)
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